You have heard of assault with a deadly weapon, but have you heard of assault with snack food?

Those are the essence of the charges a Gastonia, NC couple are facing after they were both arrested following an Independence Day domestic dispute involving, wait for it, pizza rolls. I am sure even that was a first for the police officer in the small town of Gaston.

It was during the early hours of Independence day when Brad Scott Beard, 24, and Samantha Brooke Canipe, 21, decided to make themselves a midnight snack. What midnight snack hits the spot quite as good as some pizza rolls? I ask you. Well, one thing led to another, and an argument broke out. Words were exchanged. Pizza rolls were thrown. It was ugly.

Both Beard and Canipe were arrested and charged with one count of misdemeanor assault each following this fight that broke out at their apartment at 1 a.m. on July 4. That is one way to end your Independence Day celebration.

Authorities have not disclosed what exactly caused this fight, but I feel there are more important questions that need to be answered.

Were these Totino’s pizza rolls, or did they choose to use a generic brand? What if they had chosen Hot Pockets over the miniature pizza roll? Would that have increased the charges? Please tell me they were at least cooked.

The real question is: why would someone waste such quality food on a fight? Come on. Respect the pizza roll. Think of all of the college kids those rolls would have fed. These students are poor and hungry, and here you are wasting good pizza rolls on an insignificant fight.

Beard and Canipe were each released on a $2,500 bond from Gaston County Jail, according to jail records. It is not known if they went home together or if any protective orders were sought. I imagine one person has quite the mess to pick up when they got back to the apartment. Maybe some of those pizza rolls could still be salvaged and eaten.

Now Beard is facing charges of up to 60 days in jail for the offense while Canipe faces up to 30 days in jail. It is unclear as to why Beard is facing more charges than his girlfriend though one can speculate it was Beard who threw the majority of the rolls. Perhaps hers were pepperoni and he had a combination of pepperoni and sausage or even worse, supreme. He must have been chucking those pizza rolls harder than her, or maybe there was a first degree, pizza sauce burn involved. It could be because he was the male aggressor, and she was female.

No matter how this ends up, one thing is clear. The pizza roll will never be the same again.

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